Brünzlov Blog

December 17, 1981

2011-12-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

Happy Santa Claus Air Force Day!

Ok...that's enough for now

2007-08-18T12:00:00.001-07:00

Lots of posts, pretty much half of what I have compiled so far, yet there is still much work to do.

The reason for the stop here, is because I have not yet transcribed the seminal work by Helgo Zuren, Zongago, Conqueror of Brünzlov, which must be part of any history of this land.

Slavery in Brünzlov pt 1

2007-08-18T11:59:00.001-07:00

Since the earliest days of tribes slavery had existed in Brünzlov. Most slaves were captured members of other tribes, debtors, or undesirables. When Zongago became ruler of Fünzaal and Kundano Brünzlov, he decreed that no more slaves could be taken because of race or lineage. Though most of the slaves in custody at that time remained slaves, he freed all slaves held by tribes in his empire. The only new slaves that anyone could take were criminals—who usually worked for those who they offended. No slaves could be sold, but they could be freed.

After the downfall of the Zongagan dynasty, this practice generally fell out of use—there was no one around to enforce it.

Whenever the Brünzlovian government and nation appeared, the Zongagan system was reinstated.

-- Helgo Zuren

3000 - 2020 B.C.

2007-08-18T11:54:00.001-07:00

3000 B.C.: Hoozo, a tribal leader, unites three tribes: Loo, Barndo, and Nandour (which gave the culture its name). However, the tribes break apart upon Hoozo’s death.

2000 B.C.: Tribal leader Zoopa Libla attempts to unite the tribes, but dies short of success.

2020 B.C.: Zongago is born and begins the world’s most successful military campaign. In six months he conquers all of Fünzaal and proclaims himself a god. With the forces that have now united with him, he invades Kundano Brünzlov and takes it in four months.

Excerpt from Evolution of the Fünzaal Tongue by Helgo Zuren

This (the Tsadic tongue) lasted until around 2000 B.C., when Zongago subjugated all of Brünzlov and the northern island. At first, he contemplated installing the language from his own region, but then he had a brainstorm. The people who did the writing in each tribe were kaled Tsadalko –that was their first and only name—it was hereditary. Zongago invited all the Tsadalkos from the southern island to his camp. Here his men re-enacted many events, everything they could think of. The Tsadalkos each wrote them down in their own languages, and Zongago and his men chose the best symbols for a national language, called Zontsald (literally, “Zongago’s Language”).

For the position of Emperial Tsadalko, Zongago chose the Tsadalko who had the highest number of symbols chosen.

The language of Kundano Brünzlov had undergone a similar evolution, but was quite different. Zongago introduced Zontsald and his regions verbal language. Eventually, with peace and trade predominating, the verbal languages became very similar across Brünzlov, and when Zongago IV was deposed, they diverged, but at such a slow rate that they were still similar, and were brought similar every so often by peaceful times and trading.

And when the English discovered and conquered Brünzlov, the evolved a verbal version of Zontsald, Zont->, was converted into the English alphabet (along with a few unique Brünzlovian characters) and has pretty much remained the same to the present day.

-- Helgo Zuren

The Story of Ka-Tzald

2007-08-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

[translated in the 18th century from a 2000 B.C.
heiroglyphic that no longer exists]

[**Translator’s note: Before modern times, Brünzlovian consisted of long, run-on sentences that often lasted several pages and cannot be broken down into modern short sentences like this one because they lose the “feel”]

…And in those olden days, there were men, and there were women, there were womenly men and manly women, there were dragons and there were gods, there was peace, and there was war, and there was also Ka-Tzald, the invincible warrior whose savagery on the battlefield was only equaled by his lust in bed.

Part I

When the snow faded and the sky god Auch breathed warmth once more upon the land, and the flowers began to reemerge, the Ka, a peaceful people, came from their winter cave, which was stocked with food for the winter, and plenty in case the winter remained, and set to planting their new crops as before winter there were fifty and three hundreds of them, and soon there would be many more.

…And into this quiet valley normally startled by only the occasional call of a yogi that had been tamed and was now being rounded up with the others of its kind by a Ka child and others of his kind to be sheared so that the Ka would have clothes for the many more Ka yet to come, came the sudden echoes of hooves from atop the hills, and beating of drums and blowing of great gothic horns that were cut from the heads of the rams tended by the shepherds of Azungal, the god of fear, which seemed to totally surround the valley on all sides, and then came the riders from the hills with long beards and helmets of iron also, swarming into the valley from the hills, first coming across the yogis and driving them to wherever the riders came from and it began to rain and they trampled the children tending the sheep except a few who hid behind the sparse clumps of rock, and then they rode in amngst the tents, killed the men, took the women they could and killed the rest and then set the place on fire, and turnd around and sought the children for slaves, the lucky ones escaping to starve and freeze.

The ride back north to where the riders came from took several days and lasted most of the day with breaks in the night to rest and the children linking arms to corral the yogis and horses with a man with a whip behind them and the sounds of the riders drinking and being merry with the Ka women and their playing drinking, fighting and spitting games to prove their masculinity, while the hornblowers now played their pipes cut from the reeds of Halsuug, god of good times and good women, and in the morning the riders would wearily get on their horses and drive the yogis and women and children on toward the land the riders were from, which was a place of vile and scum and lust.
…And so when they got to the town the riders broought the things that were stolen before the king, this being one fo the chief social events as the eighty or so men had 470 wives between them and now they could replace the old ones with young ones and reward the young men of the tribe who had recently survived the test of manwhood which involved stripping them naked, whipping them 30 times, running up the mountain, crossing the rope bridge over the hot lava which sent heat and fumes that wearied them and made them fall, and then swimming up the river and climbing the rocks up the waterfall and then going back over more lava and the pit of snakes and then running back down the mountain, the winner being chief warlard for his age unless several were close, in which case they fought to the near-death, sometimes to the death, but usually not because boys who nearly won proved themselves worthy and were an asset to the community, the winner being able to lead war parties and having a chance to be king and automatically being put on the council of warlords which consisted of all the winners from previous years with the eldest being king, the twenty that survived that year of three hundreds were now entitled to all rights—women, and new slaves, some of which were not much younger than themselves, that the older warriors had and this year the spoils of battle were good and depending on how they did in the race, choosing four or five wives from the group and getting two or three children slaves, carefully making sure that the slaves did not know the wives and the wives did not know the other wives and the slaves did not know the other slaves which was possible because there were several raids that month, and they got horses and yogis too.

…Excluding times of war, this tribe led a simple existence of hunting and sports and spending some quility time with their children which would number two times ten, for only about one or two would reach manhood to fight alongside them and the girls would be traded with friends at annual exchanges, and one of these new familys to come up from a youth who passed the test, and indeed won it and became a warlord was the family of Galag-Kbung, a thickly-set and thickly-headed youth who had some intelligence but was always right because no one could think of how he could not be right and anyone who did died, and one of his new slaves was a five-year old, Ka-Tzald.

[Edited by Helgo Zuren]

6000 - 3000 B.C.

2007-08-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

6000 B.C.: The earliest known Brünzlovian civilization arises. It is called the Dojar, in what is today Northwest Fünzaal. Many advances are made in science and the arts. However, because of their nature as pacifists, they are eventually overwhelmed by aggressive barbarians from the south and east. Their greatest achievement is the unification with other lesser tribes (Zipgol, Bargol, and Zoob) by tribal leader Zoopa Libla in 4000 B.C.

5000 B.C.: Evolution of the Brünzlovian Language
Taken from the Helgo Zuren book Evolution of the Fünzaal Tongue.

The Brünzlovian language probably developed in a verbal from some 5000 years B.C. The first written language was a heiroglyphic from that consisted of detailed pictures and appears much like a cartoon without words. It was called Koonish, or “picture writing,” and first appeared around 4200 B.C. on clay tablets.

With Koonish came the revolutionary concept of learning. Before this time the only things tribal Brünzlovians needed to know was how to hunt, how to plant, and who to hate. This could be done verbally, and when it was complex and hard to remember, it was transformed into songs. But with Koonish, Brünzlovians were able to be more detailed in what they passed down.

It was this time that some people decided to put tribal beliefs, histories, customs, etc. down in writing. Some people began to read these more often than was necessary to acquire basice knowledge. And when someone discovered or noticed something about nature, they wrote it down—Koonish could even break down the barriers of the dialects, because it didn’t require speaking (though most people spoke when they read it – but not between the tribes), and was largely self-explanatory.

Now, it was exceedingly cumbersome, and something with the information of a few paragraphs, like these, would have had to be the size of a pillar at Stonehenge, and they were.

Well, about 3800 B.C., when all the tents and monolithic clay tablets were covered and covered over again with writings, some tribes in the southeast began making special symbols for common pictures, like man, woman, dog, kill, eat, war, etc. These picked up like lightning, and soon every tribe had its own set of common symbols for these things and the problem became much the same as that of the dialects. But eventually, some symbols began to dominate, and each region had its own type of Tsadic (the new symbol system), and though they varied, common sense and usage pretty much made them easy to understand between tribes. This was around 2900 B.C. [ed. Note: the -> symbol common to modern Brünzlovian usage is the only known surviver of these Tsadic symbols]

[Ed. The only surviving Tsadic piece of literature dates from 2000 B.C. This work follows]

--Helgo Zuren

Prehistory of Brünzlov

2007-08-18T11:43:00.001-07:00

It is unknown when man first came to Brünzlov. But before man came, there were the animals; animals that are unique only to this land, animals that would be considered fantastic in modern times. Archeaological finds in Brünzlov, however have proven that such animals, plants, and other things did, indeed exist. Knowledge of the history of Brünzlov, in fact, actually gives many scholars of that land a greater understanding of why certain myths of the ancient world existed, for indeed, Brünzlov is the source of quite a few of the mythological creatures that in the current sense are known as fantasies.

We begin with the most contrite, domesticated, and docile beast, that which upon all of early Brünzlovian civilization was built, the Yogi. Much like a sheep, but with very powerful limbs, it could scale trees, stripping them of foliage. It had an enormous, powerful grasp.

Now, the yogi also grew fur, a quite sheep-like coat, which has become, in human times, prized as a coat. But this animal also provided a valuable step in the food chain, for the Brünzlovian Wolf.

--The Narrator

Geographical Overview

2007-08-18T11:26:00.001-07:00

Brünzlov is an archipelago, a grouping of small islands, currently home to some 50 million inhabitants, that resides some 800 miles north-northwest of the Falklands islands in the South Atlantic. Not much is known about this island to non-scholars, and this is largely a result of the highly xenophobic nature of both its inhabitants and its culture. Brünzlov is the largest known repository of gold ore on earth, and per-capita, the richet nation on earth. It is not recognized by the United Nations, is not claimed by any other nation, and holds its unknown status in the larger world quite closely. To but a small number of scholars both in the United States, England, and Germany, not to mention some of the nations of South America, it is virtually unknown, uncharted, and widely ignored.

The inhabitants of Brünzlov prefer it this way. They wish to be left alone, and for the most part, they leave the rest of the world alone. There was a time, one hundred years ago or so, that Brünzlov was part of the larger world community. They participated in commerce with other countries, traded with the United States, took immigrants from both England and Germany, and existed for a time in the 1700’s under the English Crown. The country even debated joining the Great War in 1918 on the side of the Axis powers, a debate that tore the country in two and led to an enormous war, both in terms of the monetary and human cost. This seminal event, the most striking, costly, powerful event, on par with the Great War or World War II for other countries, turned the minds of its men inward, and the country turned away from the rest of the modern world.

For all intents and purposes, Brünzlov is a modern state, one whose economic and military power would rival all but perhaps the United States, Russia, and China. The closest comparison would be England, yet Brünzlov has an economic reach that is both overwhelming and yet subversive, hardly seen today, but impossible to ignore to those who know of the nation’s existence. For reasons that will be clear, Brünzlov controls the world’s gold standard, a position of power that, were they to exploit, could easily bankrupt the rest of the modern world. It is both a blessing and a wonder that they do not exploit this advantage.

The group of islands roughly known as Brünzlov consist of 3 major islands, and 6 minor islands. The main island of Brünzlov, which most people refer to by that name, is known as Fuunzaal. It refers both to the island and the people who were native to the island in its early times. It is a volcanic island, as are all of the islands of Brünzlov, dominated by the 27,375 ft Mt. Buda, a volcano of both great power and life-giving properties. The soil of the surrounding island, which is shaped like a large comma, is very fertile in almost all regions, which gives the land the life-sustaining qualities that have given the island, which is very small, such a large density of population.

Of the 28 million inhabitants of Fuunzaal, 2 million live in the capital city, Zongago. This burgeoning metropolis is as modern as any in the known world, and Brünzlov, which has developed culturally virtually independent of most other countries, gives this city a very gothic style, possibly as a result of late 1700’s immigrants from England and other parts of Europe. Since that time, Brünzlov has pretty much maintained an almost classical, gothic type of architecture, so much so that people who visit from other parts of the world would think themselves in an old European city.

The second most populous island of Brünzlov is also the second-largest in land area, the northern Island of Kundan, or Kundano Brünzlov. For a large period of the history of Brünzlov, Kundano has been independent, or, in some instances, has dominated Fuunzaal. The residents of this island are more gregarious, outgoing, and more willing to reach out to the outer world. If you have met a Brünzlovian in your worldly travels, it is likely you have met a Kundano. There has been, and still is, to this day, sadly, a certain amount of animosity between the two islands, which is regrettable, because a united Brünzlov is a formidable force. Still, today, most Kundanos and Fuunzaals live side by side, travel between the islands, and intermarry. Overall, the two islands (indeed they were separate countries at the beginning of the 20th century) are growing closer due to their mutual need to remain undisturbed.

The third of the large islands of Brünzlov is known as The Badlands. Throughout Brünzlovian history, this mid-sized island to the east of Fünzaal had been known as Buurgozlov, which in Brünzlovian means “Evil Lands.” However, it was translated into The Badlands after the discovery of Krunzlov, which had been translated from Krunzlovian into “Land of Evil,” to avoid confusion. From around the time of the late 1800’s it has gone by the current name. In that time, the area was largely inhospitable, aside from a few oases and one harbor at the town of Slateville. It was largely uninhabitable, and was a location to which criminals were normally exiled, hence its name.

From the time around the 1850’s until the mid 1960’s, The Badlands went through an uninterrupted time of lawlessness and violence, roughly akin to the Old West of the United States. This time in The Badlands outlasted that of the Old West, by great measure. Outlaws and bandits roamed the area, civilized people would not go there, and it remained virtually ungoverned by Fünzaal until 1962. In August, 1962, after several groups of Krunzlovian exiles moved there, the violence of the island took such a great leap in intensity that the government was forced to act. As a result, the army moved in, pacified the area, and set up martial law under Governor Harp-> Slate. To this day, because of the lawless nature of the natives, it remains under martial law except in certain areas, although the inhabitants do elect representatives to the Parliament.

The minor islands of Brünzlov, six in total, have served as military jumping-off points for each of the islands to invade each other, or as military bases, or as outright resorts in some instances.

Krabla Island, which is a barrier island between Kundano and Fuunzaal, is an elongated island, which was often, during the numerous Kundano/Fuunzaal wars, used as a fortress from which the Kundanos would defend their homeland, as well as a stepping-stone for the Fuunzaals to attack Kundano itself. It lies between the two, though closer to Kundano. In some of the wars, however, treaties would be made which would cede Krabla to Fuunzaal, and the result was a garrison of Fuunzaals who could keep a good watch on Kundano plans in the event of a counter-assault. It must be said, however that the natives of Krabla consider themselves Krablans, neither Kundanos or Fuunzaals, and in ancient times aligned themselves towards what was best for the interests of their home. It was, therefore, not likely in the event of occupation, that the Krablans would either assist or hinder the Kundanos or Fuunzaals. The Krablans spend much of their time facilitating trade between the two islands. A war between them is not in their interests. Krablans are, for the most part, salesmen, and they have stayed out of the way of the two islands’ petty squabbles for the better part of two millenia. It should be noted, however, that the Krablans are purveyors of quite fine goods, and that Krablan leather is the finest in all of Brünzlov. In the 1400’s, for example, a Fuunzaal soldier riding on a Krablan saddle would be the envy of his peers. And this has been so for as long as Brünzlov has been.

The largest, and most important, of the smaller Brünzlovian islands is named Stalin Island, after a time many Brünzlovians consider unfortunate, when Brünzlov was sending military aid to the Soviet Union. This island was once known as Forz->. It’s an outcropping that likely developed eons ago when the hot spot of the geothermal activity that has produced Mt. Buda was underneath that portion of the sea. It is estimated that the island was much larger, before a cataclysmic eruption destroyed the majority of it. But much of that history is unknown, and surely was before civilization came to Brünzlov. What we know now of the island is little, because it is defended at this time by an elite unit of men, the Sons of Fu Manchu, who guard the greatest of Brünzlovian treasures, the Brünzlovian Motherlode. While the exact location on the island, and worth of this stockpile of gold, is unknown, it is known that it exceeds that of the United States and is estimated at three to four times the GDP of the USA. It is established fact that Brünzlov holds an enviable position on the earth as the foremost holder of valuable raw resources.

->Dan Island is the westernmost of the smaller islands, and is host to a number of Brünzlovian military outposts, most of which concentrate their resources on watching both the Falklands and Argentina for signs of aggressive activity. Little else is known of the island.

Zelp-> Island is far to the southeast of Brünzlov, a resort island where many rich and famous personages have either summer or winter homes. It is also the location of Zelp-> University, which is formally dedicated to the study of Antartica, and from which, many Brünzlovian expiditions to that continent originate. True to form, most Brünzlovian outposts on Antartica are not of the international nature, although one Brünzlovian has participated in international studies recently. His studies, however, have been supressed by both Brünzlovian and international authorities. The problem is twofold, which shall be discussed later in detail.

Ebazo Island was named for the great Noskasko (the Brünzlovian executive leader) Geonoa Ebazo. It is the southernmost Brünzlovian island, and the majority of its inhabitants are penguins. However, some biologists studying the penguins do make their home there, and lately, Brünzlovians being somewhat of an intrepid people, some have actually built stately homes there, mostly retired politicians and entertainers. The land value has recently soared on Ebazo Island, as a result. The island can be, at turns, beautiful, and at others, tragically horrific. It has perhaps the greatest seasonal change in terms of climate that one could imagine. In spring and summer, Ebazo island can be quite pleasant, with temperatures in the mid-70’s, and the trees swaying in the breeze, the native Yogis (an animal unique to Brünzlov) lowing in the fields, but in the winter, Ebazo can become a barren icescape. However, many Brünzlovians are willing to put up with this. Some of the native Ebazoan trees can grow to the size of 20-year old oaks within days or months, and within a week of spring returning, Ebazo is a paradise.

One more small island, between Fuunzaal and Stalin, which much be mentioned, has no name. In the Brünzlovian language, it is called ->, which means “that which has no name.” On official Brünzlovian maps, it is charted, but not named. No one lives there. No animal exists there. No plant will grow there, and in ancient times, condemned criminals were deposited there. Thus, a passing ship sees the island as a shining white dot on the sea, from the bleached bones of the poor souls who are now no longer with us.

--The Narrator

Acknowledgements

2007-08-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Assembling a complete history of Brünzlov is an arduous task. The sources are scarce, and the history of the land is vast. In this task there are three writers above all, who are able to assist me in putting together the pieces.

Helgo Zuren is the President of both the History and Political Sciences department of the University of Zongago. He has written several famous books on the subject of Brünzlov, most notably among them, Zongago: Conqueror of Brünzlov. His texts will ge quoted often in the course of this book, and he can be considered the supreme authority on the subject of both ancient Brünzlovian culture as well as many modern aspects of Brünzlovian society. His son, Helgo Zuren, Jr. works in the Interior Ministry of Fuunzaal and is also an invaluable resource.

Gottfried Jakobi is Associate Professor of History at the University of Calas in South Brünzlov. He also has also served as a writer for several newspaper publications and was present at many of the events described in this book. He will be quoted often as an authoritative source on certain matters. His publication on the discovery and mining of the Brünzlovian Motherlode is a seminal work, and is required reading for the true student of the subject. He is currently working on a complete compilation of the history of the air war during the Liberal/Conservative War of 1918-1936.

Dave Ebazo is an independent writer, student of history, and visiting Professor of History at the College of History in Slateville, The Badlands. He has extensive resource material and has written many definitive books about that state and its violent and often murky past. He has penned both a biography of one of the most interesting modern Brünzlovians, Jake Slate, as well as a complete history of the Liberal/Conservative War of 1918-1936.

Other sources have been used throughout this book, but I wish to take the time to thank these three personally, as both their works as well as personal interviews have provided both valuable information as well as entertainment, over the years. They are not only worthy scholars, but great friends.

The Narrator
August, 2007

Welcome to Brünzlov Blog

2007-08-18T10:55:00.001-07:00

Welcome to Brünzlov Blog, where over the course of the next few years I will be adding information from the vast archival library that exists on the little-known and quite powerful State of Brünzlov. In order to be perfectly clear about things of this nature, and knowing that people will call me a closet (or outright) fascist for publishing this information: Brünzlov was created when I (and the other authors, hereto referred to as Gottfried Jakobi and Helgo Zuren) was very young. The whole thing spiraled all out of proportion, things were added, then things were changed to keep continuity. This is all real easy if you're one person, like Tolkein or C.S. Lewis. It's damn near impossible when there are three different authors all writing about one event (in particular, the Liberal/Conservative War, which will come up from time to time).

Brünzlov is a fictitious nation-state, comprising 7 islands, that rests somewhere in the South Atlantic to the northeast of the Falklands. Its creation came out of one seminal event, and that was the Falklands war. Myself and the other two writers (henceforth known as The Creators), being budding young Reaganites in grade school, took it upon ourselves to wonder what would happen if a Socialist State (or more overtly, Communist) were to exist somewhere in that area.

This blog will consist soley of Brünzlov-related stuff, so if you're coming here for debates on the merits of one thing or another, forget it. The only questions answered will be historical ones, and there will be no politics discussed, other than in the context of Brünzlov. Obviously, this all began as a metaphor for Reagan/Thatcher conservativism, so that's pretty much the area in which it rests now. In past times Brünzlov has been a monarchy, a dictatorship, a Fascist state, and Communist. Now, it's pretty much a Republic, although, a very jingoistic and violent one. The writings are meant to be humorous in a dark, black sense. Nothing written is meant to be a literal endorsement of said behavior, rather, as junior-high humor that one looks back and chuckles on. If you're into zombie movies and crazy exploitation movies, maybe it will appeal to you. If you think Brünzlov as it appears here represents your current view of the American political process, then you're even crazier than we are.

And I'll leave it at that. Let's begin.